Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
