i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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