OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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