Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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