i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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