i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
