you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Im part way to drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
