Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That accounts for only three of the penises
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
