I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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