Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
