Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
