she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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