a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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