It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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