someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
