It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
