I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
