So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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