i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
how does that bad decision feel?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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