i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
