Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
