I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
