If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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