Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There are leaves in my underwear?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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