Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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