She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
