dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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