Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
