thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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