She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You can't motorboat a personality
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
