I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
