Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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