Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
