what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
