no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
