So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
