just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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