you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
