i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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