Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
