Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
