you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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