i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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