what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
