Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
