I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
