I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
