My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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