youre lurking in front of me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
