Don't make out with my wife yet
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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