Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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