I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
