I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
