i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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