Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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