I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
