So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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